Thank you for being a friend…

In Uncategorized on May 25, 2013 at 2:21 am

I recently had a telephone conversation with an old friend who suggested that it has been awhile since we got together and that we should plan something soon.  Panic set in as I cautiously mumbled in agreement while on the inside my brain was screaming out against any such plans.  It had been a number of years since I had actually met face to face with my friend and while he knew I was always a big guy, he was sure to be unprepared for the sight of a 500 pound man standing before him. My mind was running with a scenario in which I would appear at his doorstep and his mouth would drop from the sight of me darkening his door way like a full eclipse of the sun.  I am sure he would hide his astonishment at the weight I had gained and greet me like the old friends we are but I couldn’t help to think about his reaction to my size.  The phone conversation would eventually end and an agreement was reached to get together sometime in the near future but we probably both knew this was not going to happen.

I hung up the phone with my friend and the smile on my face that reflected a great conversation with an old friend gradually slipped away at the realization that I have kept those that were once close to me, away as a result of my weight.  I realized that embarrassment overtook my emotions which caused me to wall myself off from the people I had bonded with over the years and lose touch with those I most identified with in my younger years.  As I thought about what I did to my various friendships of my youth I grew increasingly upset with myself.  I had allowed my weight to ruin nearly every aspect of my life and for what?  It was at that moment that my resolve to lose this weight and reconnect with the people that once meant something to me overtook my need to feed my failing emotions with whatever I could stuff into the opening in my face.  After six weeks of planning my meals and avoiding the fast food addiction I had cultivated, I finally feel like I can gain a victory over this addiction and help reduce myself to a size that would not cause shock and awe to those who knew me back in the day.  I can finally look at myself in the mirror and no longer call myself cruel and hurtful names and finally start to like the image that is now staring back at me.  I have a long way to go but the thought of reconnecting with old friends without the embarrassment of my size has now provided a glimmer of excitement for my future.


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